The Tipping Point
I keep referring to them as regular existential crises, but I think this time it’s different.
Christmas was… interesting this year.
It was just me, my mum and my dad. I’m an only child with no children, my uncle’s moved abroad, and my nan is no longer with us. The numbers have been dwindling for some time. It doesn’t bother me. I like most of my time to be quiet ‘so my brain can breathe,’ as I like to say.
While talking on Christmas Eve, my mum said it had become more and more underwhelming over the last few years.
This year, I think the feeling sits with me because of heinous global event, the cost of living crisis and knowing that some family and friends are going through a particularly tough time.
In a message to a friend, I referred to this Christmas as the tipping point, but actually, I think it’s been a season of transitions that have tipped me into a new phase. One that’s been ongoing since 2021. I wrote to her:
“I think this might be part of the tipping point. From the naive "magical" to it just being another day and having to navigate/play up to the "magic" while navigating loss and grief and debt and all the other ten million tabs we have open. I think I've stopped being able to suspend belief for the day. It's just another day now and it’s also never enough of a break or pause” before we’re back on the treadmill of life (that we never really get off).
I find myself at the tipping point of suspended belief vs. everyday life where events like Christmas are concerned. I can’t switch off or turn away. Add to the fact that it’s the end of the year and that’s a natural amplification for self-evaluation of how we think we did this year. Or maybe it’s place for some regret over what we didn’t do. “I dunno,” I concluded. “It just feels different this year. The F certainly doesn’t stand for festive 😂😂 Not in a totally down way. It's just what it is.”
And it’s this tipping point that I am feeling in many areas of my life.
Maybe it’s because I’m approaching a new decade, so that brings a mix of panic about what I’ve not done, appreciation for who I am now, a level of acceptance of where I am, as well as an invisible and imaginary, but very galvanising “deadline” to tend to certain priorities by.
Nothing feels as vibrant. My laugh doesn’t feel as hearty and full as it could. Time is passing and my lens on life is shifting. I can’t ignore that family dynamics are changing, conversation topics are different and my decisions have considerations I wouldn’t have blinked at before.
I’m at the tipping point of some personal decisions and goals that are saying, “it’s now or never,” “it’s go-time” and my personal favourite “come the “f**k on, Sasha,” to paraphrase a line from Bridget Jones’ Diary.
This isn’t meant to be taken as having been written from the doldrums. It’s not. The tipping point has also unearthed, uncomplicated and simplified a lot of stuff that I’ve made so unnecessarily convoluted. I like to think that what I do best with my words is reflect the complex backdrop against which we do life. I hope they say, don’t feel guilty or like you shouldn’t feel x, because someone, somewhere, gets it.
With each year that goes by, what I’m noticing is that there are ever more shades of blue and grey and pinks and oranges in my sky. Each shade makes more way for nuance, a softer approach and more understanding that life is so thickly layered and jumbled up. Even if there are aspects we try to simplify, there’s still so much of our past influences and shoulds to untangle first.
I know that the weather in my world is intermittent and changes in the midst of seasons, when I thought I was guaranteed a long stretch of sun or happiness. And that sometimes, a single day can have all four seasons in it.
I don’t think there’s the will or possibility to tip back, so forward I’ll go carrying the noticing with me.
In case you’re facing your own tipping point or set of conflicting, changing feelings about something in your life, I wanted to share my latest digital journalling guide that invites you to take the floor and let out all the feelings. If you’re in a period of reflection and are after something more no-frills than flowery, this might just be for you. And in case any of my paid subscribers missed it, there’s free access for you at the bottom of the post below.
Stay soft and malleable to the changes,
Sasha
Couldn't possibly relate to these sentiments more
Someone, somewhere, gets it. 🤍